Hey Team,

Ever think to yourself, “Wow, that banker is SUPER attractive. Man, oh man does she look good in that pencil skirt. What I wouldn’t give to see her…fired!”

Yeah, me neither. But I guess that’s not really the point.

“What IS the point?” you ask. Well, first of all, let me just thank you for asking such a great, segue-aiding question. The point, my second person narrative friend, is that now there is presumably an open position for a Bank Officer in New York and I’m thinking…why not me?

Maybe I should back up a bit.

It seems 33 year old, single mom, Debrahlee Lorenzana has been deemed “Too Hot” to work as a Business Bank Officer for Citibank in New York.

Long story short, she has filed a suit claiming that Citibank has fired her for being too attractive and a distraction to male coworkers thanks to her penchant to parade around in…the same clothing her co-workers did. According to her, female coworkers “were able to wear such clothing because they were short, overweight, and they didn’t draw much attention.”

Here’s what I’m thinking. Although I’m neither short nor overweight and I do occasionally have the tendency to draw attention, I can nonetheless, categorically guarantee that I look hideous in a dress. Add to that the fact that I can count to nearly 4,657,872 without using my fingers and have more customer service skills than a Zappos call center employee on Zoloft and I figure I’m kind of a shoe in for this position.

So, without further ado, here’s my open cover letter to Citibank:

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m writing in regards to the newly vacated Business Bank Officer position in your Rockefeller Center branch. I have a lot to bring to the table and, without being too presumptuous, I just may be a perfect fit in your company culture.

I would like to point out that I am a man and as such rarely wear anything approaching a pencil skirt or dress. (I would love to say never but, in the interest of complete honesty, there was that time during that lip sync competition in high school. We won.) Also, it’s worth noting that although I do display copious amounts of boyish charm, I eschew any designations of rugged and/or rakish good looks.

Furthermore, far from being a distraction and thanks largely to a proclivity to over-eagerly prattle on about technology, I’m significantly more likely to bore coworkers to the point at which it is in their own self-interest to return to their duties thus AIDING in productivity.

I believe my résumé sufficiently outlines a sparkling academic and professional record (free of clothing related firing and lawsuits) and would more than welcome the opportunity to further discuss this position and how my average looks could be of use to Citibank. I can be reached by email at brett@GEitW.com or via phone at (559) 492-7388 to schedule an appointment. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Brett Rounsaville

I’m done.

Brett.

What do you think? Do I have a shot? Do you think Debrahlee has a case?